"Rage Book"
Desert Storm Ruffians' deployment to Saudi Arabia.
Delta Company, 204th Military Intelligence Battalion
The excerpts below were taken directly from the original Rage Book and have been carefully edited for language and some strong content. This page contains material not considered "politically correct" by modern standards and is not recomended for anyone under the age of 14 years old.
If any of the Ruffians that participated in the writing of the Rage Book have any questions, concerns, or suggestions, please send me an E-mail immediately at:
silentlywedefend@yahoo.com
6 February, 1991: Our last night in the AETCAE!
In a way, it was a great relief to escape all the bullshit that goes on here and do something constructive in Saudi Arabia. It is sad that I and almost everyone else feels this way. It's like the last day of school and everyone is glad to get out and go on summer vacation (even if that means going to a war zone!).
We have the A-holes in charge to blame for this! A great potential was wasted, pissed away by those clowns in charge - so f*** this place and lets do something productive in Saudi Arabia! Remember, we have ammo down there. F*** the AETCAE - school's out! Leave the A-holes behind!
Sal "The Infidel" L.
9 February, 1991: Desert Storm Ruffians prepare for war!!!
There is no doubt that when the "Desert Storm Ruffians: The Movie" comes out, our brave heros will only be shown doing exciting things. Scenes of filling sandbags and excursions behind enemy lines will be common but we want it to be known that there has been excitement before the action began. Yesterday (8 Febuary), the Ruffians deployed to an artillery base south of Augsburg and immediately captured the base. Unfortunately, some of our heros were captured. The interrogations were brutal. Drugs were used in an attempt to make our comrades talk but we fooled them because we don't know anything! Ha! What a bunch of losers!
Names were cut from "the list" today. The list has gone from forty to twenty-six. If that wasn't bad enough, the fourteen cut from the list were taken out and shot because they knew too much.
Our war stocks were taken out today and our peace stuff has been stored for another day.
"That Bastard"
11 February, 1991
With two days remaining until the beginning of our highly classified mission, we conducted more training in the use of our deadly secret weapon, the M16A1!
The aggressors rushed at us and were struck down in the snow as our bullets tore through their bodies. We feel no remorse for those we felled today, and even less for those Iraqi bastards we face in a few days. We do, however, feel extreme motivation and dedication to the task at hand and are definitely up to it. Do not bother to wish us luck, for we do not need it. Our skill, motivation, and Mescal will get us through.
In closing, to our dear friend, Saddam "the Insane" Hussein, Hug a Scud, pal!
"The A-hole"
12 February, 1991
Morale is high as the Desert Storm Ruffians continue preparation for the "Desert Storm Ruffians' Middle East Tour '91 - The Love Tour."
Today was spent in highly classified military briefings by top Pentagon officials. We were warned of the many perils we will face; scorpions, sexually transmitted diseases, and incompetent officers. Horrors not for the faint of heart. But we are the Desert Storm Ruffians - bold, brash, and beautiful. We are highly trained and nothing can faze us. Besides, we've had worse!
Today, we were informed that our departure may be postponed. We are confident that our superiors, in their infinite wisdom are merely attempting to lure the enemy into a false sense of self confidence.
We are the Desert Storm Ruffians - tanned, rested, and ready for war. Without us, there is no victory!
Highly Motivated,
"Hurricane"
13 February, 1991
Morale has dipped somewhat among our heros as they learned the news that they were put on hold for the deployment to war. The Desert Storm Ruffians are presently at their peek as far as combat readiness and are prepared to give their all for their country (but are still hoping to avoid the upcoming PT test).
Back at the United Nations Security Council, the debate is ongoing whether or not it would be a severe violation of the Geneva Convention to deploy elements of Delta Company, 204th Military Intelligence Battalion to be pitted against the Iraqis. Using nukes or chemical weapons would be trivial compared to sending the cold blooded, ruthless killers know as the Ruffians and could constitute a war crime! We will see!
Meanwhile, the Duty-Bunk roster for the week of 18 February - 22 February, 1991, is as follows...
"That Bastard"
13 February, 1991
"Kill 'em, kill 'em, blood makes the grass grow!" What the f*** do you mean there's no grass in South West Asia? Oh well.
"Death From Above"
14 February, 1991 - Quote of the day: "Preparations for war are hell!"
And the story continues. Yesterday was spent in severe preparations for war. We finished packing up our rooms and moved our personal property into storage. We turned in our weapons and drew our M-16s, complete with bayonets, and were ready for war until we were told it was still just a contengency. Go figure!
Today, we were issued mine clearing equipment, parachutes, LAWs rockets, claymores, M-109 Self Propelled Howitzers, M1A1 Abrams tanks (selected personnel only), and of course, our Tac-Nukes.
We are presently waiting for the word to deploy in a tactical convoy to the 204th MI BN's private jet which will then take us to where we are needed.
"That Bastard"
15 February, 1991
The word is out that in less than 48 hours, President George Bush will unleash onto the Gulf Region (well, Iraq anyway) the deadliest weapon mankind has ever known. Despite protests that such action may very well violate the Geneva Convention, the time has come for Saddam's worst nightmare. The time has come for the Desert Storm Ruffians - loved by many, feared by most - are set to deploy at midnight on the 16th of February, 1991.
Their mission - well, no one really knows - but rest assured that whatever it is, we will accomplish it without fear or remorse. Saddam himself has attempted to foil this plan by leaking plans for withdrawl from Kuwait in order to avoid facing this dealy force which will ultimately lead to his demise. But George will have none of it. For he, like most of America, has the utmost confidence in the power and capabilities of the most awesome force known to man. Look out, Saddam, it's time for the Desert Storm Ruffians! Your days are numbered!
(Coming soon to a theatre near you)
"Hurricane" :)
16 February, 1991
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the daily brief from Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. The briefer today will be PFC Rufus the "Barbarian."
Rufus steps behind the podium, adjusts the mike, and delivers the brief. When he asks for questions, the attention centers on, yet again, the civilians killed in the bombing of an Iraqi bunker.
"They were only civilians," Rufus said. "They shouldn't have been there! That is all I have to say on that subject!"
But still the reporters worry about idiots who were in the wrong place at the wrong time and continue to question Rufus. Rufus, by now, is turning red and his fingers are white from clutching the podium. Suddenly, Rufus explodes, whirling across the room in a maelstrom of fury, chopping and slashing at the reporters. This continues until no one is left standing (or conscious, for that matter) and Rufus heads back to the podium and asks, "Are there any further questions this afternoon?"
No one answers...
"Death From Above"
18 February, 1991
F***in-A! Whew, I thought this day would never come, but alas, it has fallen upon the mighty Desert Storm Ruffians! I, among the fierce 26, have been eagerly awaiting my chance to build sandcastles and step on them just like we have done to the Iraqis. I would also like to take this opportunity to say, "F*** "Cuando" and "Rage on!" to all. "Rage" is the word for '91 and for the "Infidel Tour." So, to my dear pals...Peace and happiness and have a most excellent adventure dudes!
Asta! Saulte!
"Cubbjo"
18 February, 1991
After a torturous night in an enemy transport, I acheived new heights in ass kissing with Inscom Dep CO at Rhein Main. Even my lack of sleep did not detract from the quality of my work. As usual, Kellums acheived new heights in stupidness by placing his extremeties in his mouth numerous times in a few short minutes. Sgt Benfer has stated his intent to attempt a barrel roll in our C-5A on the flight to Dahran. I do not believe this will be a wise choice in piloting action.
"Zero"
18 February, 1991
After departing Flak Kaserne at 2200 Hours Local (2100 Zulu) on 16 Feb, we embarked upon a torturous journey to Rhein Main Air Base, Germany. Many numb buttocks protested the 6 hours on the bus, but once at Rhine Main, we proceeded to stretch our legs whilst preparing our gear for the upcoming flight aboard a C-5 enroute to Dharhan, Saudi Arabia.
Our flight was filled with much sleeping and other means of relieving bordom. In Pfc Thorpe's case, this involved twenty-one repetitions of the m*******tion exercise.
Once on the ground in Dhahran, 2030 Local (1730 Zulu), 17 February, we were greeted with the site of seven bomb-laden Saudi Arabian Tornandos and one U.S. F-15 which took off and headed northward. (Hoo Rah!!) We departed Dhahran at 0030 Local enroute to Riyadh, S.A. Our bus driver, Fred the Arab, who believes in two things, stomping on the gas and slamming on the brakes, got us to Rihyad at 0700 Local.
We set up our bags in the "Hotel California," known to the Army as building A6-11. We ate breakfast at the Riyadh Hard Rock Cafe where we were severely chastised for using the wrong garbage can. "Forgive us, Oh lord, for we did not know that there was a war going on."
"That Bastard" and myself then carried our briefcase of highly classified materials to the ARCENT TCAE where we will be staging our clandestine missions from. The Elint / Fusion Cell shows great promise for Elint gods such as ourselves. We have decided to divulge in this book that we brought along the "Elint Prodiction Tool" with us.
- God have mercy on the Iraqi air defense forces -
"The A-hole"
19 February, 1991
Where do I sign the PCS form to Riyadh? This place is tits! F*** an "A" again! To all our merry friends, God's speed and volleyball to all! God, I wish we were at war all the time!
"Cubbjo"
19 February, 1991
For my first time in the book, I'd like to say, "Rage on" and long live Saddam (Yeah, about a year).
"The Barbarian"
22 February, 1991
I'd like to say that the ARCENT TCAE sucks worse than the AETCAE! These maroons don't even have a f***ing clue! If this is intelligence than I'd rather be in a sanitarium!! If anyone of the real Ruffians ever get sent to the 201st...God help the ARCENT TCAE!!!
- In love and faith for the cause -
"Cubbjo"
24 February, 1991
It's been several days since I've written in here. So, I guess I'd better bring us all up to date. My 1st day in the ARCENT TCAE quite literally sucked. Things have gotten a little better as far as working with the 201st goes, but overall, they are clueless.
We've had several false alarm SCUD attacks which occurred on the 20th and 21st (if I remember correctly). We had a SCUD intercepting a Patriot...or was it a Patriot being intercepted by a SCUD? Hmm, I'll check on that.
Anyway, it happened within a few miles away from us at 0430 Hours (Saudi time) on 24 February, (1991). We had just begun the ground war with Iraq. So, he (Saddam) attempted to retaliate. At about 2128 (Saudi time), he launched another one at us. The Barbarian, myself, and Bolte saw the warhead fall to the earth less than a mile away! Then, the Patriots went off! Two to be exact. We heard a secondary explosion as the SCUD missile itself was being destroyed. We masked shortly after seeing the warhead fall, but quickly un-masked as the wind was blowing briskly away from us.
I will speak to the President on behalf of the rest of the "Ruffians" to obtain better NBC equipment. My mask failed to seal for the first time! Boy, did that suck.
As for the ground war, our troops reached their objectives with minor problems. According to the news, we are ahead of schedule. God, classification sucks.
Infantry Motto: War is our business and business is good!
MI motto: Intelligence is our business and the enemy has none!
Spater
"The A-Hole"
25 February, 1991
Well, after two recent SCUD attacks, I and the Ruffians are still in one piece, but I must say I am quite disappointed over the fact that Saddam has yet to challenge the Ruffians with a SCUD that we could even consider to be close. After the war, I am going to talk to the Soviets to see what the f**k is up with their crappy missiles. Christ, we give them an opportunity and what do they do? F**k it up! Those ungrateful bastards (No pun intended to "That Bastard")!
After eight days of our journey, the (ARCENT) TCAE sucks. The 201st people are clueless, the rays are excellent, the morale is high (except for "Fuffer" and "Frau"), and the Ruffians shall prevail. War is hell, but let me tell ya, hell ain't that bad of a place!
Salute
Cubbjo
27 February, 1991
It's "G plus three" today and so far the Desert Storm Ruffians are kicking ass and not taking any prisoners. We're giving them hell, but no mercy. They will rue the day...and the night even. We're being pretty rough on the Iraqi's as well. Let's just say this about the 201st weenies, it's the best unit you will ever want to leave. They have alomst ruined this war for everyone!
So far, this has been an interesting war. We've had the 82nd Airborne Division being bussed into Iraq. The 7th Corps was dragging their butts but are closing in on their objectives. The SCUD attacks were making Five O' Clock Charlie on MASH seem like a precision bombing expert until the SCUD attack on 25 Febrary, 1991. Unfortunately, alot of American soldiers were killed in Dhahran. That SCUD attack made all of us around here wake up and realize that it could have very well been us.
The personalities around the ARCENT TCAE have proven to be quite detrimental to a harmonious work environment.
Soon, the Desert Storm Ruffians will be dropped behind enemy lines to take out key leadership (if you can call them that) and set up Det #1 of the AETCAE!
Rage on!
"That Bastard"
1 March, 1991
"The Adventures of the Desert Storm Ruffians"
Tonight's Episode: The Rogue Analyst
After their super secret deployment into Dhahran, our heros quickly found themselves airborne in a C-130 transport plane. The Ruffians were handed chutes and were told that nobody was to know of their deployment. Also, all of the buses were already being reserved for the 82nd Airborne Division.
So, the last of our heros jumped out over Riyadh just as the Patriot missiles struck their plane. They landed inside the compound of the top secret base known as Eskan Village under the cover of darkness and soon made their way to their special covert quarters. After a nice thirty minute nap (more than enough time for our AETCAE hardened warriors), the Ruffians went to work. They worked their analytical magic and left the 201st losers bewildered.
One 201st weenie was overheard saying, "Thank God for those Ruffians!"
Once the Ruffians' work was done, they boarded another C-130 and soon found themselves heading northward in preparation for the ground war. Once again, under the cover of darkness, the Ruffians jumped out just as Iraqi AAA fire begtan pounding the plane. As they descended toward the ground, the Ruffians watch with amusement as their plane crashed in the distance.
Rufus was overheard saying, "F***ing Zoomies, what a bunch of losers!"
Once on the ground, the Ruffians immediately began doing what is always the first covert act conducted behind enemy lines, they set up a TCAE. Yes, that's right, this act came dangerously close to the limits established by the Geneva Convention and possibly even the Rotary Club Convention! It was a daring move, but these were daring times.
Almost at once, Iraqis began surrendering to our heros. Of course, they all had to be shot on sight so they could never speak of what they had seen.
Then came the ground war...
The Desert Storm Ruffians were, as expected, the spearhead for the for the attack. Even though Ramm had his M-60 blazing away and Penny used his M-203 grenade launcher to spit death at the enemy, neither were as devastating to the enemy than Mary's whining, which killed more of the Iraqi goons than all of the Ruffians' elite weapon systems combined.
Rick and Tracy's cigars were used to burn out the EPWs' eyes to get them to talk. But then they realized that they didn't have any Arabic linguists. Tracy and Rick became the most feared tag team interrogators history has ever known. Tracy became known as the "Bimbo of Basra" and Rick became known as "Bartman" of Baghdad.
The Ruffians waded through the first and second echelons like a jet engine sucking in a cigar but the blood really began to flow once they engaged the dreaded Republican Guards. This prompted the Ruffians to bring out their most deadly weapon. Bolte, also known as "Penile Man," was unleashed upon the Republican Guards and sent them running with some observed holding their anuses.
Of course the Ruffians knew they would be back so they called upon "That Bastard" and his Elint Prediction Tool, otherwise known a a Ouija Board, to locate the enemy. He located and contacted Ala himself and threatened to kick his bedouin ass if he didn't confess. It wasn't long before "That Bastard" had the information.
Then it was up to Toby "The Bolona Bopper of Baghdad" Thorp and John "Fluffer" Kellums to infiltrate the Republican Guards camp, take out their commander so that Will "At the movies" Jeffery could step in and impersonate him. The plan was working perfectly until he slipped into "Pope" mode. The enemy realized that they had been had, but continued to watch Will's performance. Once Will ran out of material, he was taken prisoner along with Thorp and Kellums.
Ssgt Collier and Matt "I'm a Ho" Cubbler were called upon to sneak in to rescue our heros since they were the only ones with DCUs. Once the rescue was completed, they destroyed the enemy HQ, booby-trapped their radios so they would only play "Jesus Christ Super Star" and "Hava Nakida!"
Once the dust settled, the Iraqis surrendered just as the Coalition forces crossed into Iraq and Kuwait. Again, many a soldiers was heard shouting, "Thank God for those Ruffians!"
***********************Disclaimer*************************
All of the events portrayed in this story are completely true, except for the text. All persons and places are ficticious and in no way represent anyone living, dead, or undead.
"That Bastard"
2 March, 1991
Well, the end has come for Saddam. The Desert Storm Ruffians have completed their mission to destroy Saddam and his army and show the anal-ysts in the 201st for the fools that they are!!! The latter proved to be surprisingly easy. They seemed anxious to prove how clueless they could be!
Spc "Hurricane" Rupprecht and Pfc "Trojan Dude" Huber, whose job was the collection and dissemination of Sigint information required for fusion and target acquisition, had the unsavory task of dealing with the 201st own Spc "Anal Retentive" Stevens - clueless loser extraordanaire. Stevens attempted to undermind the Ruffians sense of teamwork by suggesting that they were lazy and were taking everything as a joke. But his whining proved to be no match for the Ruffians. They retaliated by bringing to life boredom's most deadly weapon in the AETCAE, USER MAIL!
Although the ACENT TCAE system is a pathetic reproduction of the AETCAE's user mail system, they were able to use it to effectively slam him and his clueless counterparts without their knowledge. As if the Desert Storm Ruffians have time (or desire) to care about the opinions of the pathetic simps masquerading as analysts.
The end of Saddam is near thanks to the Desert Storm Ruffians who assured the victory for the allied forces even sooner than they expected. Their new mission is to somehow deal with the 201st for twelve hours at a time. Perhaps it is not too late to teach them the way of the AETCAE. Perhaps...Oh, screw it. Once a loser, always a loser.
On a different note, the phrase, "War is hell" has been replaced with "War is boring."
The Ruffians wait impatiently for their next mission. Their orders are expected in early April. The Ruffians have been to the show, seen blood and want more! Look out SFC Dubois, we're combat veterans now and we're not going to take your s**t!!!
Rage!!!
"Hurricane"
9 March, 1991
No S**t! There we were. The Desert Storm Ruffians stood outside the entrance to the Kremlin posing as guards and waiting for Gorby to arrive...Oh sorry, I was just envisioning our next mission.
Now that we have defeated the Iraqi army, I figured it was time to roll the credits. Here goes (according to rank) - along with waht happened to them after the war synopsis.
Sfc Jeffrey "Dad" retired from the army because there was "Too much f**king exercise and not enough f**king beer!" Runs a kiddi-porn shop known as "Dad's Place."
Ssgt C****** continued to skip work and ended up at Ft Levenworth for 25 years charged with fraud, abuse, and impersonating a soldier.
Ssgt Will "At the Movies" retired from the army shortly after Desert Storm and went to work for MGM as a back-up in case any of the 2,500 actors at MGM ever got laryngitis.
Ssgt Phil "I'm so uptight" retired from the army after being threatened with hanging after using all of the drinking water in Eskan Village to take an enema.
Sgt Bob "That Bastard" left the army and formed a band of terrorists who (imagine that) terrorized the countryside of North Dakota (See the entry for Pfc Rufus "The Barbarian" for further details).
Sgt "Uncle" Wayne was so mellow that they hired him to lull Ssgt Phil "I'm so uptight" Girvan to sleep.
Sgt Rick "Death From Above," played by Clint Eastwood, was killed when his XY-75569 Stealth Fighter/coffee maker crashed while a covert mission in Iowa.
Spc Jimmy "Kill 'em without mercy" was sentenced to death for killing the entire audience at his comedians' nightclub named "The Hairless Buttock."
Spc Steven "Oh my God, look at her little boobies" died from boredom after being sent to the 201st MI BN and was forced to work with Spc "I'm a d**k" Murphy and Spc "I wanna be just like Sfc Swift" Brown.
Spc Marty "The A-hole" left the army and returned to law enforcement. Insuring that there were no recurrences of "Deathrace 2000, the Eskan way."
Spc Tracy "The Hurricane," played by Suzanne Summers (another bimbo), left the army to try, I repeat try, and become a famous person. She was last seen pushing a shopping cart loaded with junk and talking to herself in Detroit.
Spc Wade "Rambo," played by sylvester Stallone, joined Green Peace after stating he was tired of being a tough guy.
Spc Toby "No time in grade / Zero," played by Peewee Herman, was tragically killed when Capt Curtis (whom Toby cheesed so much that Kraft Co. hired him to triple their production) was walking one day and came to a sudden stop.
Pfc Rufus "The Barbarian," played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, left the army to save his hometown from "That Bastard." He was last seen firing a .50 caliber MG from his hip while screaming, "Raaaaaaaage!"
Pfc John "Fuffer," played by Rosanne Barr, was hired by a U.S. toilet seat company as a stress tester for their product. Any seat that withstood the "Fuffer test" was guaranteed to support anyone.
Pfc Dave "I want to be just like Ssgt C******" spent the next 18 years in a cancer ward being treated for sun cancer. He spent all his insurance money on a Saab, did his best to leave work early (or just not go at all) and became a chess wizard. He was last seen entering a V.D. ward for treatment of severe penile warts.
Pfc John "My sperm is as powerful as a Patriot," played by John Holmes, left the army to sire his own breed of Ruffians. Unfortunately, what he wound up with was a cross between a camel and a tall blonde hermaphrodite.
Pfc Rusty "Magilla gorilla," played by Cheetah he chimp of Tarzan fame, was never heard from again after being snatched off the sidewalk near the Dallas zoo.
Pfc Russel "I think we’d better mask" was checked out of his psyche ward to take part in this adventure. He was subsequently readmitted after re-enacting the fateful Scud attack scene where he found that his mask would not seal.
Pfc Matt "Ho-got-to-be" Cubbjo, played by a rotating crew from the Copa Cabana Barber Shop, became a barber/masseuse at "Dad’s Place."
Lt. Drew "I hope my head doesn’t blind you," played by Radar O’Reilly, stayed in the army and became battalion commander of the 204th MI BN. He was last seen riding south on B-17 wearing his alien helmet and nothing else.
Sgt Mary "I want to go to the E-6 board ‘cause I’m right and I want to be right" was shot down in a bloody heap by the rest of the Ruffians. ‘Nuff said!
Wait! It’s not over yet! The Ruffians have just begun their tale of adventure and excitement! Read on!
"The A-Hole"
13 March, 1991
It was another hot, dry, dusty day in an unidentified location (for security purposes) in Saudi Arabia. The Desert Storm Ruffians had just completed work on their extra top secret project. Yes, the M-204 anti-raghead laser missile system/alcoholic beverage made with pure grain alcohol was finally completed. The moment had come to test the multi-billion dollar experiment.
Pfc John “Rockin’ Rocket” Purk spoke first. “We must test this marvelous machine!” He said with a thirsty gleam in his eye.
“Yeah, let’s test it!” Toby “Zero” agreed enthusiastically.
“Wait!” Yelled Spc Tracy “Hurricane,” the voice of reason. “This is a highly classified mission. Someone has to guard this from the thirsty terrorists!”
The Ruffians looked at one another with visions of fine Pilsner brew dancing in their heads.
“Oh, I’ll do it!” An exasperated but duty conscious Hurricane said.
So, the rest of the Ruffians went to sample their invention while Hurricane, armed for with her M-16 and a fly swatter, set up a guard point and proceeded to keep a lookout for any nasty old ragheads.
It wasn’t long afterwards that Hurricane noticed a cloud of dust on the distant horizon. As it grew nearer, she noticed a small band of towelheads on camels racing towards her location.
“Raghead alert! Raghead alert!” Hurricane screamed, rousting the Ruffians.
“Wassup?” Hiccuped Rusty “Magilla Gorilla,” obviously intoxicated. Rusty can’t handle his alcohol.
“Ohmygod!” Screamed Russel “Panties in a wad” upon learning of the approaching threat. “They’re Iraqi terrorists! Everybody mask!” Russel then fainted.
“Now would be a good time to test the anti-raghead laser missile portion of the M-204.” Said Hurricane. “I’m the only sober one left, so, I’ll have to do it.”
“Hey, that’s a man’s job!” argued Sgt Robert “That Bastard.”
“Yeah, you can’t do that ‘cause you’re a girl.” Sneered Marty “The A-hole.”
“Oh, yeah?” The savage Hurricane replied as she whirled to confront them, “Well suck his, pal!”
“Duh, duh, duh.” Was their only reply.
“Now,” Hurricane raged, “Anyone else want to challenge me?”
No one spoke.
“I didn’t think so.” Hurricane said. “Now I’ve got some ***heads to eliminate!”
With lightning speed, she raced to the M-204. The terrorists were approaching quickly, causing clouds of dust in their wake.
Hurricane aimed the M-204 in their direction as she shouted, “Take that, you camel-smelling, towel-on-your-head-wearing, big-nose-having, Allah-loving pigs!”
Hurricane fired. Nothing happened.
“What the hell?”Hurricane asked.
Just then, Pfc John “Fuffer” appeared holding something in his hands. “Hey guys, what does this bolt go to?”
“You idiot, that’s for the M-204, no wonder it won’t work!” Said Dave “Trojan dude.”
“Never mind.” Hurricane shouted. “Ramm, I need your M-60!”
Ramm replied as he tossed the machinegun, “Sure thing.”
Hurricane caught the M-60 and spun around towards the ***heads who were almost upon them. Wasting no time, Hurricane opened fire. Bodies went flying, blood went spraying, voices were screaming, the heavens opened, the angels sang, and Mary wept. It was a sight to behold.
When the dust settled, the Ruffians moved closer to view the carnage.
The closest raghead lay at their feet. There was something about him.
Sgt Rick “Death from above” knelt for a closer look. As he pulled the towel from the terrorists face, he said, “Hey, that’s no raghead. It’s that loser, D*****!”
“D*****!” The Ruffians spat out the nasty word in unison. Their nemesis lay dead in a pool of blood.
Hurricane said in disgust, “I’ll just add his scrotum to my collection.”
As she knelt down, she unsheathed her bayonet. As she lifted his dress, she exclaimed, “What the hell? I always suspected as much!”
“Well, what do you know.” Marty “The A-hole” said as he laughed. “He’s got no balls.”
“It figures.” Hurricane snorted. “What a waste of sperm.
Cubbjo said as he consoled her, “It’s okay, Hurricane. You can still probably find some scrotums on the rest of the bodies.”
Hurricane replied, “Oh, alright.”
Upon closer inspection of the rest of the bodies, Hurricane discovered that they were really 201st pukes. Even worse, none of them had balls either.
“What a disappointment.” Hurricane sniffed.
Rufus “The Barbarian” said, “At least the world is a better place.”
Hurricane replied, “Thanks Barbarian, you’re right. Let’s have a beer. It’s Miller time!”
And they all lived happily ever after.
Love, luck, and lollipops
“Hurricane”
21 March, 1991
Well, this will not be one of those humorous entries like you’ve seen since you’ve opened this book. This is to clue you in on what an average day is like for us (midz personnel):
1. Wake up whenever (between 9 and 12 – depending on who you are). Lay out until around 3PM.
2. Work out until 4PM
3. Shower and go to chow – 5PM
4. Go to work at 6PM
That’s basically it for midz. The “days” crew has fewer recreational activities (laying out) than midz but it’s basically this:
1. Get up around 5:15Am
2. Go to work at the ARCENT TCAE at 6AM until 6PM
3. Go to chow at 7:00PM
4. Do whatever until bedtime at around 9PM
Author’s note: Work is defined as “Sitting with your thumb up your a**.”
I just want everyone who reads this to know just how much BS we have to put up with. The sarcastic remarks from some of the brown-nosing-Est, cheese-eating-est, know-it-all A-holes that ever lived.
For the record: There was absolutely no reason to send us down here. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to come down here since August (1990). But to us, the bored Ruffians, we know that the only reason we were sent was so it would look good on someone’s OER, that he deployed troops to Desert Shield/Desert Storm.
We (most of us) feel that we were dumped off on he 201st whose personnel have gone out of their way to make us feel unwelcome and have tried, I repeat tried, to make us look stupid. There was not enough (and still isn’t) enough work for the 201st people by themselves, much less with us down here.
Now we learn that our own unit, the mighty 204th MI BN, is waiting for us to return so we can all go to the field so Cpt C***** and ****** *** can say, “Yeah, we deployed, conducted training/ops, and all this after some of our people came back from a combat zone!”
Oh, and don’t forget that, “They might get two or three days off when they get back.”
My God, what the f*** have we got to do? Eat all of our vegetables? Do all of our chores? Get straight A’s on our report cards?
Instead of giving u a break, you know, three or four days off to be with our families, why don’t you just bend u over up in the AETCAE and F*** us up the a** and get it over with. Just give us the courtesy of a reach around and a good-bye kiss and we’ll be happy.
Now, they play these games with us, but because we’re a seven hour flight away, they decide to play games with our families.
I can see their conniving a**es now, “Watch this sarge, wanna see me get their hopes up? Hey, Mrs. So-and-so. Your husband will be back on Friday. That’s right. The day after tomorrow.”
Friday comes and the tune changes, “Oops. Sorry Mrs So-and-so, they won’t back today. They’ll be back on Tuesday for sure.”
Instead of making shit up when our wives or friends ask, they should have the balls to tell them they don’t know.
Instead of assigning officers and senior NCOs to units like the 201st and the 204th, why don’t they give us a list of candidates and let us vote our officers in. There’s already enough politics going on to give the congress and senate a run for their money!
Spater
“The A-hole”
22 March, 1991
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
SET FORTH BY THE ESKAN CONVENTION:
AERIAL BOMBARDMENT
1. No party shall be fired upon whilst carrying material that could incur irreversible damage.
2. Plastic water bottles may NOT be used against personnel but may used against armored targets.
3. Water balloons, zip-lock baggies and trash cans are all acceptable forms of munitions delivery.
4. Chemical weapons (ie. Shaving cream balloons, dye balloons or oil filled balloons) are outlawed but may be used in reprisal for a like attack.
5. Upon impact/delivery of the first munitions, the attacker must loudly state the name of the
intended target so as to keep the collateral damage to a minimum.
6. All non-combatants must state their role by yelling, “Ali, Ali, I’m a dork.” Anyone failing to
identify themselves in this manner will be considered a combatant and may be fired upon.
GROUND ENGAGEMENTS
1. Any personal items not including footwear, tanning lotions and towels will be considered “off
limits” in the aforementioned items. No permanent damage will be attempted.
2. Mine warfare will be limited to water balloons and zip-lock baggies and will not occur within three meters of damageable items.
3. No physical aggression will be allowed.
GENERAL RULES
1. When an act of aggression is directed against a member of the 201st MI BN, all aforementioned
rules will become null and void.
2. Any additions, deletions, or alterations must be approved by a 2/3 majority of the signators.
Amendment to Rule 6 of the Aerial Bombardment section:
Let it be known that any party not signing this pact (Eskan Convention Treaty) shall be considered a “terrorist/201st member,” will not be protected by the Eskan Convention, and will be considered a “priority target.”
“Hurricane” “Death From Above”
“Zero” “Cubbjo”
“The A-hole” “That Bastard”
“Trojan Dude” “Purk”
10 April, 1991
And so it came to pass that Saddam was defeated soundly and in his anger and frustration, he turned on his own people.
It became the way of the Ruffians. Having defeated the enemy easily, there remained the insatiable desire and thirst for blood and destruction that is inherent in soldiers who have seen the ways of death and carnage and have found it to their liking.
It started out as a mere form of amusement – to entertain themselves at the expense of their comrades – but became a game of one-ups-man-ship. It seemed no one was safe. The camaraderie and trust began to deteriorate. Tempers flared, things turned violent in the rage for death of the new enemy. Each other.
This highly trained team of mass destruction known as the Desert Storm Ruffians, having no mission left and no specific enemy to maim or kill, had been left without supervision or guidance. Who were they against?
Things became increasingly ugly and it seemed that after having proved themselves indestructible to the enemy, they were killing themselves. Who could put a stop to the madness that was enveloping the Ruffians?
There was only one person – the brains behind the beast – the man in charge of the war monster – Dad.
Seeing that things were getting out of control, he ordered the carnage to cease. The Ruffians were distraught, the thirst for blood unquenched.
“Who can we target now?” They asked even as the answer became clear.
“Those 201st weenies of course!” They gleefully cried out. “Who else is more deserving of the wrath of the Ruffians?”
And so the Ruffians were once gain united against a common enemy. Although they provided little resistance, being the weenies that they are, were a welcome distraction nonetheless.
“But what shall we do after we leave?” Wailed one Ruffian.
Sfc Dad smiled as he replied, “Why that’s an easy one. When we leave Eskan Village, we will be returning to one of the most target rich environments of all, Delta Company, 204th MI BN. I can think of numerous individual targets worthy of our attention.”
Another Ruffian said with a gleam in his eye, “And after that, who knows. The possibilities are limitless. We can even knock off some commissary queens for sport.”
And so it came to pass. The Ruffians were reunited and no one who challenged them was safe from the torture and death that would befall them.
Even though Desert Storm was over, it was clear that the spirit of the Desert Storm Ruffians would never die and their war cry lives on…
RAGE
Respectfully Submitted
“Hurricane”